PE12 - This one goes out to the one I love

Bryan Adams - Everything I Do

Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me

Steven Curtis Chapman - I Will Be Here

Earth Angel


My dearest wife, I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Remember that. I love you so very much my beautiful angel, I love you so very much. Nothing can take that away from me, nothing.

PE11 - It's not a good night

I have been a bit busy this week so that is why there have been no posts (in case you were wondering). Past couple of days I got mail that I kind of expected to come eventually, but it does not make it any easier for me to handle; I haven't been able to stop thinking about my wife and my children.

I keep wanting to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming; I want to wake up....I want to wake up. I must stay strong, I must hold on to God and His promises. I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers. Like a wrestler getting pounced on from the high rope; I start lifting myself up off the mat just a little bit and I get crushed..over and over and over and over again. No time for air, just crush him, kick him, beat him .... kill him.

If I look at everything from a worldly perspective, there is no hope. There is none. As if everything else wasn't bad enough; I can't do this. I can't do it. How am I supposed to fight my wife? I can't even afford to do so even if I wanted to. I'm having a breakdown right now. They estimate my salary about 1000 more than what I am making right now a month. They allege I have done nothing to help. Although I gave up everything including all my accounts, severances and everything! What do they expect from me? Why do they lie and plot against me! Why?

God, I do not understand. I feel so alone right now. I'm miserable where I am at. But I can't do anything about it. I have no personal space, no respect, $7 in my checking account and I have nothing. I make less now in a 40 hour work week (if I can get more than 15 - 20 hours for once), than I used to make in a day. If I was not a Christian....arrrgggghhhh.......

I think I am going to disappear in a dark hole for a couple of weeks. I'm miserable and everything is pointless. I try so hard but feel like I get nowhere. I just sit here and cry and think, how God? How do I go on? How do I keep my head up and hope for the best when every part of me is broken and cries out in absolute anguish? On every side of me, I am attacked. I am absolutely and completely overwhelmed right now. I literally feel like I am going to lose it.

Oh God, I can't bare this. I can't; I can't. Please, help me. To be so overwhelmed that I don't know where to even start. It is impossible for me, but I know it is not for You. I am trying to live a Spirit led life but obviously I am not doing that well. I don't even know what to ask for Father, I have no idea. You know me, you know my heart, You know my limits. I have to be borderline psycho right now. Please, help me. Please my God, I need You right now. I am flailing and need Your direction, peace and understanding. I do trust you my God, I do. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed with the multiple (yes, I said multiple), impossible situations I am looking at. I know I need to have faith you will provide and help and heal and mend but I lose sight God, I lose focus. My heart, will and spirit are broken. Please, please help me.

Happy Fathers Day

I wanted to do something special for all the fathers out there today but I am finding it to be a little more difficult than I expected. I don't know that I am in the right place to provide the joys of fatherhood. I am in a good place to tell you what it is like to be on the outside looking in, but not sure that would be a benefit to anyone. Everything I think of brings up pain that I just don't want to have to face today. So, with that being said, I am going to forgo the Fathers Day poem I was going to write. But, I still want to post some of what is on my heart and mind today.

Fathers play one of the most critical roles in the lives of their children. We are to be an example of Christ to our family and children. Our kids are affected emotionally, spiritually and developmentally by how we as fathers show them to live. A lot of fathers have a problem with showing emotions, feelings and other things that the world views as simple and baby-like. But let me tell you something, this is one of the most important things you can do for your children, show them compassion, love and gentleness. Let them know how much they mean to you daily. Let them see you pray! Let them see you praise God openly! Lift your hands and praise God for you are blessed. Can't you see? You are blessed! Give thanks to God because you have so much to be thankful for.

I am sad today; I must spend this Fathers Day without my children and wife. I don't even know when I will get to see them again, only God knows this. But I do pray for them daily. I know my God is good. I know my God has a plan and a purpose. I know my God is for me, not against me. This makes all the difference. The pastor at the church I am going to paused in the middle of his sermon today and said he has a word from God he needs to share; I remember the basis of what he said so I am going to share in the next paragraph, I sensed this word was for me. Everyone liked and appreciated it but I knew in my heart and spirit that it was for me.

You are facing a trial and something like you've never faced before and you feel it is more than you think you can bare. You feel overwhelmed, you feel like giving up. But there are many lives being touched through this. More than you even know. God is bringing victory to many lives so you must not give up, you must not fail. You will have victory. They are watching you. There will be victory in many lives through this; just don't quit, there will be victory.

I feel like I left some of it out but the details he mentioned and how it was stated, spoke to my spirit and I knew I was supposed to get that today. I knew it was meant for me. My God will not leave me and will not forsake me. Even if I can not physically be there for my children, by God I am with them in prayer. What we can not see is much more powerful and real than what we can. I know there will be victory and I know my God will work this out for good. He will leave no doubts, it will be by His hand alone so that no man can boast but Him alone. I do not know how, when, where or any details, but I do believe in the miraculous, supernatural power of the living God I serve and I know He will leave no doubt. Lives will be touched and lives will be changed forever.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers of the world! Being a father is a special gift and privilege. I will probably write more on this subject soon because it is extremely important and I think a lot of fathers miss the point of fatherhood. Listen to the words of the song by Casting Crowns - American Dream. What is really important? Why are so many people missing it entirely?

Excuses Excuses

I have been putting off posting all week because I have been cherishing the previous couple of posts. As soon as I start posting again, those will move further down the list and I will lose sight of them. I don't want to. I have kept myself busy all week for the most part and that has help take my mind off of things a bit. But when it comes down to it, I miss my wife and children like crazy!

I start asking myself, "Is it wrong to not think about them all day long?" "Am I forgetting things I loved about them?" The answers are no to both. I am learning that I have to take my mind off of them so I don't lose my sanity. Today I had a moment where I couldn't stop thinking about my wife and children though. I started thinking about Fathers day coming up tomorrow and how my children and wife would always create something for me for fathers day.

It was always so special to me. I ask myself, "Did I do enough to show my appreciation?" "Did they know how precious those were to me?" Those are moments I will cherish for the rest of my life. I broke down a little wondering how tomorrow would affect my children and my wife. What are they thinking? What are they doing? Are they going to make something for grandpa? My children are so precious. They are both so very gifted and talented. They are (and were) such a blessing to me. I know God will do something very special in their lives. I am trusting Him in that.

I thought about making my Father's Day post this evening but I am going to hold off on it till tomorrow. I helped a friend move half of the day and it was so hot outside. I drank so much water but still feel like it wasn't enough. I am going to go to bed and start tomorrow off fresh. I am excited about going back to the new church I started attending last week. Can't wait actually. Trusting God for a lot of miracles and blessings in my life right now.

To the rest of you fathers out there; God bless you! I will try and post something special tomorrow. I might even post an additional post for the reverse - Father to child/children and wife. Goodnight all, you will see me again tomorrow. (Don't Miss it!)

What a Surprise!

I was at J's house today and as I was leaving, I checked the pouch of my card case. To my surprise, I found 2 old notes in there. They were perfect. I think this was God or an Angel that wanted to make me feel better. The notes were as follows:

Note 1:
Happy Friday!!! Your special! I Love You! (Love was with a heart) Miss you
Love
(Wife's Name)

--There was a smiley face (bigger one) with eyeballs, lashes and smiley face with tongue....I smiled and thought...WOW!!! It is Friday today, and how perfect!

Note 2:
Just sending you an "I Love You" Hope this brings some sunshine to your day.(small smiley face)
Love
"(Wife's Nickname)"

I must be honest, I smiled, laughed, cried and smiled again. She is such a wonderful person. I love you my wife (I will use your name on here one day - if I get the chance). Happy 10th Anniversary sweetheart! I hope you had a good day despite everything. I miss you so much. Thanks a second time for those notes that were given to me long ago when I played cards a lot. What a surprise and blessing!! Couldn't have worked out any better if it was planned. I love you!

PE10 - Happy 10 Year Anniversary Baby

I don't know where to begin with this entry today. How do you write a happy anniversary letter in one hand while you are holding on to the divorce papers in the other hand? The only hope of reconciliation is God. The system is getting its way and I pray God works in the lives of those involved to show them the error of it in one way or another. My heart is broken today when it should be rejoicing.

I dreamed of you, dear wife, all night last night. They were sweet and beautiful dreams, just like you. I know we had our ups and our downs, but our ups far outnumbered the downs and I cherish every moment. I love to close my eyes and picture you here with me, holding my hand, laughing and smiling as we share our dreams, hopes and goals in life. You are my anchor in so many ways, my northern star. You are a precious gift from God in my life, one that I couldn't bare to live without.

It is only for you and because I love you that I can accept what you feel must be done. But I want you to hold on to something for me. No matter what happens between now and eternity, in my heart you are my wife. The system may be able to take everything in my life I hold dear, but they can't touch my heart. That belongs to God and to you. That, my dear, will never ever ever change.

From the time we started dating in October '97, I knew in my heart that you were the one God chose for me. I prayed for you when I was a child; I prayed for you when I became a man; I pray for you constantly still today. It hurts that on this, dark Friday, I must find a way to take my mind off of you, off of the hurt, off of the pain and the reality of the matter. As I sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks, I pray for you. I don't know that you will ever know how special you are to me and how much I love you.

Thank you for the memories baby, thank you for loving me as you did. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you for doing such a wonderful job with our children. Thank you for 12 years of precious memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You are my first true love. You are so special to me. Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. No matter what you do, what you did or what you could do; I will/would love you and be there for you.

I am going to go to J's house today and try to keep my mind off of the time that should be being spent with you. I have to try and occupy time or my mind will wreak havoc on me. You know how important you are to me right? You know that I will always be here for you right? You know that all you have to do is ask and I will be at your side right? Like a well trained puppy that has matured and attached itself to its owner, I am there for you. Please, don't let go of what we have. Don't let go of what we had. I love you so much. I will never forget or let go of you; my heart is yours for the rest of my life. I love you.

Dear Father, I lean on you today to face another of many dark days I have faced and must yet face. I put my heart and trust in your hands my Lord. You word states you will never leave us or forsake us. Thank you for that. The love chapter I Corinthians 13 comes to my mind, love always perseveres and love never fails. This is the love I have for my wife. I am learning to love all but my wife is so precious to me Father. Please, heal and renew our relationship. I know You have a will and purpose in everything but I know You hate divorce. I sit back as my world crumbles around me and I must look to You in order to hold on; in order to keep my sanity. Please God, please renew this. I am giving it to You. May this pain and suffering not be in vain dear God, may it not be in vain. Work in all lives of those involved and radically touch each and every person. I want to see your spirit move God. May I keep my eyes on You Father, may I never doubt that you have it all under control. I love you and give you all the praise. In Jesus name ~ Amen.

Grief - Relationship

This week has been challenging. Came off a good service on Sunday but have been grieving my family a lot. Yesterday I got served my "D" papers and I broke down. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I still feel like it is some kind of nightmare and someone needs to pinch me and wake me up. Tomorrow is my 10 Year Anniversary.

I dated my wife for almost 2 years before we got married. That is a total of 12 years in my book. I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I am trying to lean on God through all of this, but I am human and tend to think about everything I miss.

I went to WalMart yesterday and happened by the card isle. There, I read many Anniversary cards and kept trying to wipe the tears away hoping no one would notice. So many beautiful cards with touching words of love and adoration. I wanted to buy a few of them just to one day get them in the hands of my wife so she knows I was thinking of her, loved her and missed her despite the situation.

I was a wreck most of the day and it took a separate issue to take my mind off of my own hurt. I thank God for that. It helped my recenter and refocus on what is important. I could not do what I am doing without God in my life. I would have already jumped off the bridge with a weight tied to my feet or something crazy. I have a lot of hurt, pain and things I can't even fathom taking place in my life. Stuff I wouldn't wish on anyone in this world. The only hope I have is that God has a purpose for my life still and that eternity is more important than what I must face and am facing today.

I am attacked daily by my feelings, my desires, my dreams and hopes of a better tomorrow. To explain, when I try to stay positive and look at what God is doing around me, thoughts of all the junk come in. Thoughts of "eternity is so far away, you have lost everything, why are you even trying?" Negative, painful things enter in. I can tell you what the problem is, it is my relationship or closeness with God.

We are never in the same place on our spiritual journey. By that I mean, we are never staying the same. We are either moving forward or backward. There is no in between. If you aren't staying in the Word of God and spending time in prayer, you will be moving backward. If you spend time in prayer and the Word, you will move forward. It is about the relationship here. As my days get busier and have been busy all week, I am not getting that time I need and it reflects in everything I do and think.

Thank God for the couple people I have in my inner circle that help me refocus. I know better than to be caught up in everything I see. We are called to live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith, not by sight.

Romans 1:17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

There are so many versus dealing with how we should live by faith in the Word of God. Why do I find it so difficult to follow these principles set forth? I can look up examples written by Paul on how he and everyone struggles to do what we know we should do. We are in a constant battle. I know when I have not had my personal time in prayer and with God, I am useless. Everything is processed differently, I don't feel God's presence or guidance like I should. My decisions become impaired and my thoughts are fleshly (doubt, worry, fear and the rest of the gamut). I am then attacked viciously and wind up being a mess. We must stay grounded in the Word of God and in prayer daily and continuously.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I know I am not the only one struggling with issues. I am not the only one dealing with a hopeless situation. We have to remember that this is temporary and that we live by faith. God has a plan in all of this. He wants the best for His children. He will see us through this. Don't get lost in what you see, have faith that God will meet your needs and will see you through. Then you will have peace, contentment and God will bless you. Remember what Jesus said to Peter when Peter wanted to be with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm and raging water?

Matthew 14:29-31 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

I want to leave you with a couple of scriptures that inspired me this morning. Please, be sure you are leaning on God. These words I write are as much for me as they are for you. God will see us through if we only ask and believe.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-24 16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22Avoid every kind of evil. 23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

Philippians 4:6-9 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I pray that you are blessed today and that the power of God is poured out upon you. Trust in Him and He will not let you down.

PE-9: Happy 1st Sunday of June

I went to church in the city again today and I really enjoyed it. I am going to have to look for a church closer to me though so I am going to try a church that is on TBN and comes highly recommended by a friend of mine. He said I should be able to get plugged in and connected to people there despite the size, so I am excited about it.

My friend and I discussed a lot of things today and as always; I left feeling blessed and edified. He brought a new perspective to some challenges I face and it was good to hear. I thank God that I have a few friends to lean on in my time of need. I do long for someone that I could spend more time with but as He mentioned to me, God is with me. When we give something to God, we need to let go of it. We can't keep reaching for the steering wheel from the back seat or passenger seat and fighting for control. I really believe this was where I stumbled yesterday. I have given it all to God so I have to trust Him with it all.

I think I am going to start writing more; something completely separate from my blog and social/twitter sites. I am going to test the waters so-to-speak and try and determine where God wants me to go with some things. I have a longing and desire to write, but feel very limited on blogs alone. Plus, when I was in jail, I envisioned myself where I am now (location) but I was writing and I also had a Bible study group. Part of this has come true, but I want to know if I am meant to be doing more with my writing. So, I am going to step out on faith and see where it takes me. I will keep posting to the blog, but I am going to possibly work on a book or something. As my friend stated today, God will let me know but I need to take that step if I feel it is something God may be putting on my heart. So, I will start tomorrow. I am really excited about it. Even if I just do a journal or something to start with, it will be a blessing because I love to express my thoughts and feelings through words on paper and writing.

PE-8: Really Missed my Family Today

I know, I am usually positive and uplifting and I want to retain that for the most part on my blog. I just felt I should relate that today was pretty difficult for me. I don't know if it was because I didn't get the chance to spend some one-on-one with God today but I know I was attacked hard. It was enough for me to cry out "What's the point God? What's the point?" My heart hurt this morning and I just had a longing for my wife and family that I didn't channel through God properly and it tore me to the core. To feel so helpless and worthless at the same time is not a fun place to be. I started focusing it on God after I let it all get to me this morning but it is hard to dig out of that spot once you let yourself drift there.

I don't know how often I have asked for prayer, but please, keep me and my family in your prayers. God gave me a great afternoon for the most part but I still didn't feel right all day. I do feel blessed and that God is looking after my needs and the needs of my family but occasionally, my flesh and my worries, doubts, fears get the best of me. I even broke down and had a couple cigarettes today. Not that it makes me a bad person smoking a cigarette, I just think God wants us to take care of our bodies and smoking is not one of those things promoting a healthy lifestyle.

Prayer:

Dear Jesus, I have struggled so much today in my mind. Constantly bombarded with doubts, negatives, fears of what is to come or might come; I let it overwhelm me today and I am so sorry. I know it makes me nearly completely ineffective to You because I completely lose focus. I compare it to Peter walking out on the water and taking his eyes of You and starts to sink. Oh how true that is in our lives. Please Jesus, forgive me for my failures and faults and lift me up off the bottom of the floor. Help me be a good example, help me to stay focused on you and not all the things going on around me to distract me from my purpose, path, goal you have set out for me. I love you my Father; thank you for loving me, forgiving me and giving me hope and a future regardless of how bleak it may look. I know you will use this situation to Your glory. Bless my wife tonight Lord. Hold her in your arms and just love her. Give her peace, comfort and joy in You Jesus. She is my world; which makes this so very difficult for me to cope at times. But I hold fast to You Lord and that You have a good and perfect plan despite what I can or can't see. May I never lose hope; Let my wife and kids know that I love them tonight Jesus, let them know in my heart/mind, I am holding them tight and cherishing it forever. In Jesus precious name I pray this tonight ~ Amen.

PE-7: Honestly, Are You for Real?

If you know me or have been following my blog, you know that I am struggling with multiple issues and things in my life. One thing that is on my heart this morning is that I let you know more about me. This will tie into something that I want to bring up and challenge you about your life and walk in Christ.

I am human, as are all of you, and I make mistakes and have doubts, hurts and fears just as much as the next person. Every other day, if not daily, I find myself on my knees sobbing for my wife and family. But is this due to doubt in God or God's provision and hand in my life or my families? I don't think so. I believe it all depends on how it is handled and approached. When I start thinking about them I start praying for them. When I start becoming emotional, I pray harder. God knows my heart and how very much I love them, I am being honest with God about my emotions and my attachments in this life. I know He sees it all and knows my heart. Not a day goes by that I do not think about what led me to where I am today, but I know who to lean on and that He has a plan and purpose to see me/us through it.

You see, I am simply a humble servant. I am no different then anyone else on any level, I just channel it through the one that set me free, Jesus. I have the same worries, doubts, fears and heartaches as anyone else. I feel pain as anyone else. I have experienced so much heartache that I could just implode right now, but I have a savior that has a purpose for my life. He died to set me free from these doubts, these worries, these fears. He has called me to a higher purpose and one with meaning and hope. What makes me different than any other person? Why would you look at me and say to yourself "Wow, I wish I could do that?" I have reason, if not more than you, to blame God or others for where I am today, but I know the truth.

I have the privilege as do you, to make a choice when presented with one. I can filter it through God or I can act on it and have a 50/50 chance (maybe even less) of making the right one. My choices led me to where I am today. Be them good or bad. I can choose from this day forward to lean on God for the answers and the support or I can try and do it on my own. You are and will be the person you CHOOSE to be. Are you struggling with an addiction today? You have the choice, no matter how impossible it seems to overcome, no matter how strong the pull; YOU have the CHOICE. Are you being real about who you are? Are you living a lie?

Let me tell you that there is hope my friends, there is hope. There is a God, there is a savior, there is someone that will set you free from your hurts, pains, bondage if you only ask and act on it. Are you willing to give it all to Jesus? Are you willing to turn everything over to Him? He will bless you and help you make the right choices if you only ask Him. I pray you make good choices and that God blesses you today and everyday for the rest of your life. Enjoy this video of Third Day singing Born Again. Lean on God to handle the pain and trials of this life and He will see you through to the other side.

You are loved

This song is so good. It is written as a love song from Jesus to us but it always makes me think of my wife. I don't think I can ever express how much she means to me. Everything reminds me of her still. As I clean out the fridge or do things around the house and no one notices, I think about how my wife must have felt doing so many good things for me and our family that I would sometimes notice but fail to verbally recognize. I think of how wonderful a person she is and was. When I think of her, I pray for her. I don't fall to pieces as I first did, but I love her more now than ever before. I hope one day, she can and will come back to me. God blessed me so much with and by her. I want to dedicate this song to her in love (I love you with all my heart); and anyone else that is hurting or needs to be loved.

Jesus is right there with you, just look to Him. He will fix every hurt and love you unconditionally. **You can never be separated from his love. He is waiting with open arms to welcome you back; you are loved.

**Romans 8:35-39 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

PE-6: Reveal Yourself to Me

I was pondering on multiple subjects to write on today, but I think we should just pause and worship God this morning. He is so good and deserves our praise today. Lift Him up, seek Him, draw close to Him - He wants to bless you right now. He wants to pour His Spirit out upon you today. He wants to give you the desires of your heart today. Oh...just lose yourself in his presence today. He is moving in a strong and mighty way people, seek Him now and be filled. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you...Do it now, He is just waiting on you to step out this morning; go ahead, take that first step......Do it now.

Oh heavenly Father, my spirit yearns for you today. This passion, this fire God, use it to bless You. I can't even begin to express how I feel in my heart, I can't even begin to show my love for You. Oh my God, Your love is so amazing, Your power so overwhelming, Your grace so magnificent. I want to lose myself in You my God! I want to praise you forever! I am on my knees before You my savior, my redeemer. I sense you so strongly this morning; Oh Jesus, my life is yours. Everything I am or ever will be, I give to you; my past, my future, my present I give to you; my hopes, my dreams, my life I give to you. You are the only thing in my life that has meaning and purpose. Your promises endure forever. You are king of kings and Lord of lords. You are alpha and omega the beginning and end. I praise you Yeshua, Jesus my King. Pour Your anointing on me today, may I be Your vessel to glorify Your name today. Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...I love You. Pour Your Spirit out on Your people today God. Reveal Yourself to us Father. I seek a revival of the heart, mind, body and spirit today Lord. Oh have Your way my God, have Your way. I am Your servant my Lord, my heart is Yours.

Peace, love, happiness is yours for the taking right now. He is calling us church; He is calling us Christians; He is calling us all right now. He wants to reveal His power to You today. The power of the one, true, living God. Give yourself to Him today, believe upon Him today, worship Him today....be transformed.