PE11 - It's not a good night

I have been a bit busy this week so that is why there have been no posts (in case you were wondering). Past couple of days I got mail that I kind of expected to come eventually, but it does not make it any easier for me to handle; I haven't been able to stop thinking about my wife and my children.

I keep wanting to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming; I want to wake up....I want to wake up. I must stay strong, I must hold on to God and His promises. I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers. Like a wrestler getting pounced on from the high rope; I start lifting myself up off the mat just a little bit and I get crushed..over and over and over and over again. No time for air, just crush him, kick him, beat him .... kill him.

If I look at everything from a worldly perspective, there is no hope. There is none. As if everything else wasn't bad enough; I can't do this. I can't do it. How am I supposed to fight my wife? I can't even afford to do so even if I wanted to. I'm having a breakdown right now. They estimate my salary about 1000 more than what I am making right now a month. They allege I have done nothing to help. Although I gave up everything including all my accounts, severances and everything! What do they expect from me? Why do they lie and plot against me! Why?

God, I do not understand. I feel so alone right now. I'm miserable where I am at. But I can't do anything about it. I have no personal space, no respect, $7 in my checking account and I have nothing. I make less now in a 40 hour work week (if I can get more than 15 - 20 hours for once), than I used to make in a day. If I was not a Christian....arrrgggghhhh.......

I think I am going to disappear in a dark hole for a couple of weeks. I'm miserable and everything is pointless. I try so hard but feel like I get nowhere. I just sit here and cry and think, how God? How do I go on? How do I keep my head up and hope for the best when every part of me is broken and cries out in absolute anguish? On every side of me, I am attacked. I am absolutely and completely overwhelmed right now. I literally feel like I am going to lose it.

Oh God, I can't bare this. I can't; I can't. Please, help me. To be so overwhelmed that I don't know where to even start. It is impossible for me, but I know it is not for You. I am trying to live a Spirit led life but obviously I am not doing that well. I don't even know what to ask for Father, I have no idea. You know me, you know my heart, You know my limits. I have to be borderline psycho right now. Please, help me. Please my God, I need You right now. I am flailing and need Your direction, peace and understanding. I do trust you my God, I do. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed with the multiple (yes, I said multiple), impossible situations I am looking at. I know I need to have faith you will provide and help and heal and mend but I lose sight God, I lose focus. My heart, will and spirit are broken. Please, please help me.