Grief - Relationship

This week has been challenging. Came off a good service on Sunday but have been grieving my family a lot. Yesterday I got served my "D" papers and I broke down. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I still feel like it is some kind of nightmare and someone needs to pinch me and wake me up. Tomorrow is my 10 Year Anniversary.

I dated my wife for almost 2 years before we got married. That is a total of 12 years in my book. I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I am trying to lean on God through all of this, but I am human and tend to think about everything I miss.

I went to WalMart yesterday and happened by the card isle. There, I read many Anniversary cards and kept trying to wipe the tears away hoping no one would notice. So many beautiful cards with touching words of love and adoration. I wanted to buy a few of them just to one day get them in the hands of my wife so she knows I was thinking of her, loved her and missed her despite the situation.

I was a wreck most of the day and it took a separate issue to take my mind off of my own hurt. I thank God for that. It helped my recenter and refocus on what is important. I could not do what I am doing without God in my life. I would have already jumped off the bridge with a weight tied to my feet or something crazy. I have a lot of hurt, pain and things I can't even fathom taking place in my life. Stuff I wouldn't wish on anyone in this world. The only hope I have is that God has a purpose for my life still and that eternity is more important than what I must face and am facing today.

I am attacked daily by my feelings, my desires, my dreams and hopes of a better tomorrow. To explain, when I try to stay positive and look at what God is doing around me, thoughts of all the junk come in. Thoughts of "eternity is so far away, you have lost everything, why are you even trying?" Negative, painful things enter in. I can tell you what the problem is, it is my relationship or closeness with God.

We are never in the same place on our spiritual journey. By that I mean, we are never staying the same. We are either moving forward or backward. There is no in between. If you aren't staying in the Word of God and spending time in prayer, you will be moving backward. If you spend time in prayer and the Word, you will move forward. It is about the relationship here. As my days get busier and have been busy all week, I am not getting that time I need and it reflects in everything I do and think.

Thank God for the couple people I have in my inner circle that help me refocus. I know better than to be caught up in everything I see. We are called to live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith, not by sight.

Romans 1:17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

There are so many versus dealing with how we should live by faith in the Word of God. Why do I find it so difficult to follow these principles set forth? I can look up examples written by Paul on how he and everyone struggles to do what we know we should do. We are in a constant battle. I know when I have not had my personal time in prayer and with God, I am useless. Everything is processed differently, I don't feel God's presence or guidance like I should. My decisions become impaired and my thoughts are fleshly (doubt, worry, fear and the rest of the gamut). I am then attacked viciously and wind up being a mess. We must stay grounded in the Word of God and in prayer daily and continuously.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I know I am not the only one struggling with issues. I am not the only one dealing with a hopeless situation. We have to remember that this is temporary and that we live by faith. God has a plan in all of this. He wants the best for His children. He will see us through this. Don't get lost in what you see, have faith that God will meet your needs and will see you through. Then you will have peace, contentment and God will bless you. Remember what Jesus said to Peter when Peter wanted to be with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm and raging water?

Matthew 14:29-31 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

I want to leave you with a couple of scriptures that inspired me this morning. Please, be sure you are leaning on God. These words I write are as much for me as they are for you. God will see us through if we only ask and believe.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-24 16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22Avoid every kind of evil. 23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

Philippians 4:6-9 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I pray that you are blessed today and that the power of God is poured out upon you. Trust in Him and He will not let you down.