One more day, actually only a couple more hours till Mother's Day 2009. There are many women in my life and many I would like to wish a Happy Mothers day too, but there is one in particular that means more to me than the air I breathe. Tomorrow, I will make a Mothers Day Post but tonight, I want to focus on the one woman in my life that means everything to me. I miss her so much. I have learned and am learning to look to God for all my needs, but there is still a piece of me missing.
No, she has not moved on from this life (she did not pass away); but for her and I both, the reality is the same. This reality is that we can not communicate with each other or contact each other in any way shape or form. Imagine taking a love of over 12 years and immediately being cut off from it with no warning or notice; it is just gone. So, as you can see, I am grieving her.
Since I am not naming names and this is as anonymous as I am going to get (by choice and without jumping through all the hoops); I love you my angel. I love you more than anything on this earth. I will always love you. You hold a place in my heart that will wait for you as long as it has too. God is giving me the peace I need to make it through every day; when I think of you, I pray for you. I want you to know that you drawing close to God brings me so much joy. I have prayed if nothing else, that God draws you to Him and heals your heart and life.
Happy Mother's Day to you my dear, sweet wife. I am considering visiting a special place tomorrow. The exact spot I wrote a special letter to God in the summer of 1996 praying for "you" and asking for "you". In that letter, I asked God for my wife to be. I detailed her in every way and prayed earnestly for her. At the time, I did not know that it would be you; I didn't even know you. But, to know that very day, God moved in your life and directed you is testament that my prayer was heard and answered. You were and are "literally", everything I asked for. Don't ever forget that; no matter what happens or where you go, know that we are connected through God and have been from that day. You are the most amazing person I know. I am so sorry how everything has gone, it is not how we dreamed or planned it would be but I hold on to that hope.
Every thought of you I have is cherished, every memory is vivid. My life has been spread out before me and so many bad, sour spots were revealed. I know I have not been the man I should have been. I know I have failed in so many ways as a husband and father, but know that God has shown me where and what it was. Know that if I ever have the chance, I WILL love you as you have only been loved by God (beyond your wildest dreams or imaginations of what love is, could or should be). Love is not just an emotion, it invokes action. My love for you is undeniable and it is in this love I will nurture, strengthen, hold and cherish you. I want to grow old, with you by my side as my wife. I will never let go of you for you are a part of me. One day baby, one day, we will be together again. But it will be nothing like you remember, I promise.
I will call to you, I will court you, I will treat you as the princess you are. I will gain your love, respect and adoration. I will be patient and humble, I will wait on you. When the time is right, I will ask for your hand in marriage. It will be everything you could have ever dreamed it to be. From the ring to the moment. Oh, you are worth the wait my dear, you are worth the wait. Our love will only grow stronger in time. A true, majestic and beautiful love as designed by God. You will never need or desire anything of any other man as I will be that man. From a hopeless romantic to rugged outdoors man, I will be that man. When you need a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk too, someone to confide in, I will be that man. When you need prayer, counsel, advice or any other form of necessity, I will be that man. I will always be there for you, ALWAYS. I will not make the same mistakes twice, you are royalty in my eyes. You are my princess and I but a lowly peasant. I will place you on a pedestal and proclaim you to all. For you are worthy of nothing less. God has opened the eyes of my heart and teaches me daily about love. I Cor. 13 has a little bit to say about that.
I love you sweetheart. Please, hold on tight during this roller coaster ride we are on and look to God. We both know that God has a plan and purpose for everything. But I believe He takes into account our desires as well. I know I needed to learn to lean on Him and how to love. Whereas, you needed some things as well and I feel that God is working in both of us to make us new and whole in Him. He wants to complete this work in us; in His timing, we will be together again. I hope it can be in this life; oh how I pray for it to be in this life. But I know that I must trust in Him wherever that may lead and it may be in the next life that we are together again (Due to circumstances outside our control). My promise to you is that I will wait for you. I guess that is the best I can offer, but that should give you peace. You are and have always been the only woman for me. Until we see each other again (may be a long time, but only God knows this), don't lose heart or hope and don't forget about me. I look forward to that day with much anticipation. I love you my wife (I hope you don't mind if I call you my wife even after the forced divorce, because in my mind, heart and soul you are my wife and will always be my wife).
Happy Mothers Day! I Love You So Much!
I really like this song and want you to hear it. The wounds are still fresh for me. I am not sure when you will see this blog or even find out about it, but know that I love you and miss you more than you know.
Mercy Me - Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Listen Here: Mercy Me - Homesick
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