Happy Fathers Day

I wanted to do something special for all the fathers out there today but I am finding it to be a little more difficult than I expected. I don't know that I am in the right place to provide the joys of fatherhood. I am in a good place to tell you what it is like to be on the outside looking in, but not sure that would be a benefit to anyone. Everything I think of brings up pain that I just don't want to have to face today. So, with that being said, I am going to forgo the Fathers Day poem I was going to write. But, I still want to post some of what is on my heart and mind today.

Fathers play one of the most critical roles in the lives of their children. We are to be an example of Christ to our family and children. Our kids are affected emotionally, spiritually and developmentally by how we as fathers show them to live. A lot of fathers have a problem with showing emotions, feelings and other things that the world views as simple and baby-like. But let me tell you something, this is one of the most important things you can do for your children, show them compassion, love and gentleness. Let them know how much they mean to you daily. Let them see you pray! Let them see you praise God openly! Lift your hands and praise God for you are blessed. Can't you see? You are blessed! Give thanks to God because you have so much to be thankful for.

I am sad today; I must spend this Fathers Day without my children and wife. I don't even know when I will get to see them again, only God knows this. But I do pray for them daily. I know my God is good. I know my God has a plan and a purpose. I know my God is for me, not against me. This makes all the difference. The pastor at the church I am going to paused in the middle of his sermon today and said he has a word from God he needs to share; I remember the basis of what he said so I am going to share in the next paragraph, I sensed this word was for me. Everyone liked and appreciated it but I knew in my heart and spirit that it was for me.

You are facing a trial and something like you've never faced before and you feel it is more than you think you can bare. You feel overwhelmed, you feel like giving up. But there are many lives being touched through this. More than you even know. God is bringing victory to many lives so you must not give up, you must not fail. You will have victory. They are watching you. There will be victory in many lives through this; just don't quit, there will be victory.

I feel like I left some of it out but the details he mentioned and how it was stated, spoke to my spirit and I knew I was supposed to get that today. I knew it was meant for me. My God will not leave me and will not forsake me. Even if I can not physically be there for my children, by God I am with them in prayer. What we can not see is much more powerful and real than what we can. I know there will be victory and I know my God will work this out for good. He will leave no doubts, it will be by His hand alone so that no man can boast but Him alone. I do not know how, when, where or any details, but I do believe in the miraculous, supernatural power of the living God I serve and I know He will leave no doubt. Lives will be touched and lives will be changed forever.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers of the world! Being a father is a special gift and privilege. I will probably write more on this subject soon because it is extremely important and I think a lot of fathers miss the point of fatherhood. Listen to the words of the song by Casting Crowns - American Dream. What is really important? Why are so many people missing it entirely?

Excuses Excuses

I have been putting off posting all week because I have been cherishing the previous couple of posts. As soon as I start posting again, those will move further down the list and I will lose sight of them. I don't want to. I have kept myself busy all week for the most part and that has help take my mind off of things a bit. But when it comes down to it, I miss my wife and children like crazy!

I start asking myself, "Is it wrong to not think about them all day long?" "Am I forgetting things I loved about them?" The answers are no to both. I am learning that I have to take my mind off of them so I don't lose my sanity. Today I had a moment where I couldn't stop thinking about my wife and children though. I started thinking about Fathers day coming up tomorrow and how my children and wife would always create something for me for fathers day.

It was always so special to me. I ask myself, "Did I do enough to show my appreciation?" "Did they know how precious those were to me?" Those are moments I will cherish for the rest of my life. I broke down a little wondering how tomorrow would affect my children and my wife. What are they thinking? What are they doing? Are they going to make something for grandpa? My children are so precious. They are both so very gifted and talented. They are (and were) such a blessing to me. I know God will do something very special in their lives. I am trusting Him in that.

I thought about making my Father's Day post this evening but I am going to hold off on it till tomorrow. I helped a friend move half of the day and it was so hot outside. I drank so much water but still feel like it wasn't enough. I am going to go to bed and start tomorrow off fresh. I am excited about going back to the new church I started attending last week. Can't wait actually. Trusting God for a lot of miracles and blessings in my life right now.

To the rest of you fathers out there; God bless you! I will try and post something special tomorrow. I might even post an additional post for the reverse - Father to child/children and wife. Goodnight all, you will see me again tomorrow. (Don't Miss it!)

What a Surprise!

I was at J's house today and as I was leaving, I checked the pouch of my card case. To my surprise, I found 2 old notes in there. They were perfect. I think this was God or an Angel that wanted to make me feel better. The notes were as follows:

Note 1:
Happy Friday!!! Your special! I Love You! (Love was with a heart) Miss you
Love
(Wife's Name)

--There was a smiley face (bigger one) with eyeballs, lashes and smiley face with tongue....I smiled and thought...WOW!!! It is Friday today, and how perfect!

Note 2:
Just sending you an "I Love You" Hope this brings some sunshine to your day.(small smiley face)
Love
"(Wife's Nickname)"

I must be honest, I smiled, laughed, cried and smiled again. She is such a wonderful person. I love you my wife (I will use your name on here one day - if I get the chance). Happy 10th Anniversary sweetheart! I hope you had a good day despite everything. I miss you so much. Thanks a second time for those notes that were given to me long ago when I played cards a lot. What a surprise and blessing!! Couldn't have worked out any better if it was planned. I love you!

PE10 - Happy 10 Year Anniversary Baby

I don't know where to begin with this entry today. How do you write a happy anniversary letter in one hand while you are holding on to the divorce papers in the other hand? The only hope of reconciliation is God. The system is getting its way and I pray God works in the lives of those involved to show them the error of it in one way or another. My heart is broken today when it should be rejoicing.

I dreamed of you, dear wife, all night last night. They were sweet and beautiful dreams, just like you. I know we had our ups and our downs, but our ups far outnumbered the downs and I cherish every moment. I love to close my eyes and picture you here with me, holding my hand, laughing and smiling as we share our dreams, hopes and goals in life. You are my anchor in so many ways, my northern star. You are a precious gift from God in my life, one that I couldn't bare to live without.

It is only for you and because I love you that I can accept what you feel must be done. But I want you to hold on to something for me. No matter what happens between now and eternity, in my heart you are my wife. The system may be able to take everything in my life I hold dear, but they can't touch my heart. That belongs to God and to you. That, my dear, will never ever ever change.

From the time we started dating in October '97, I knew in my heart that you were the one God chose for me. I prayed for you when I was a child; I prayed for you when I became a man; I pray for you constantly still today. It hurts that on this, dark Friday, I must find a way to take my mind off of you, off of the hurt, off of the pain and the reality of the matter. As I sit here, tears rolling down my cheeks, I pray for you. I don't know that you will ever know how special you are to me and how much I love you.

Thank you for the memories baby, thank you for loving me as you did. Thank you for always being by my side. Thank you for doing such a wonderful job with our children. Thank you for 12 years of precious memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You are my first true love. You are so special to me. Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. No matter what you do, what you did or what you could do; I will/would love you and be there for you.

I am going to go to J's house today and try to keep my mind off of the time that should be being spent with you. I have to try and occupy time or my mind will wreak havoc on me. You know how important you are to me right? You know that I will always be here for you right? You know that all you have to do is ask and I will be at your side right? Like a well trained puppy that has matured and attached itself to its owner, I am there for you. Please, don't let go of what we have. Don't let go of what we had. I love you so much. I will never forget or let go of you; my heart is yours for the rest of my life. I love you.

Dear Father, I lean on you today to face another of many dark days I have faced and must yet face. I put my heart and trust in your hands my Lord. You word states you will never leave us or forsake us. Thank you for that. The love chapter I Corinthians 13 comes to my mind, love always perseveres and love never fails. This is the love I have for my wife. I am learning to love all but my wife is so precious to me Father. Please, heal and renew our relationship. I know You have a will and purpose in everything but I know You hate divorce. I sit back as my world crumbles around me and I must look to You in order to hold on; in order to keep my sanity. Please God, please renew this. I am giving it to You. May this pain and suffering not be in vain dear God, may it not be in vain. Work in all lives of those involved and radically touch each and every person. I want to see your spirit move God. May I keep my eyes on You Father, may I never doubt that you have it all under control. I love you and give you all the praise. In Jesus name ~ Amen.

Grief - Relationship

This week has been challenging. Came off a good service on Sunday but have been grieving my family a lot. Yesterday I got served my "D" papers and I broke down. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I still feel like it is some kind of nightmare and someone needs to pinch me and wake me up. Tomorrow is my 10 Year Anniversary.

I dated my wife for almost 2 years before we got married. That is a total of 12 years in my book. I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I am trying to lean on God through all of this, but I am human and tend to think about everything I miss.

I went to WalMart yesterday and happened by the card isle. There, I read many Anniversary cards and kept trying to wipe the tears away hoping no one would notice. So many beautiful cards with touching words of love and adoration. I wanted to buy a few of them just to one day get them in the hands of my wife so she knows I was thinking of her, loved her and missed her despite the situation.

I was a wreck most of the day and it took a separate issue to take my mind off of my own hurt. I thank God for that. It helped my recenter and refocus on what is important. I could not do what I am doing without God in my life. I would have already jumped off the bridge with a weight tied to my feet or something crazy. I have a lot of hurt, pain and things I can't even fathom taking place in my life. Stuff I wouldn't wish on anyone in this world. The only hope I have is that God has a purpose for my life still and that eternity is more important than what I must face and am facing today.

I am attacked daily by my feelings, my desires, my dreams and hopes of a better tomorrow. To explain, when I try to stay positive and look at what God is doing around me, thoughts of all the junk come in. Thoughts of "eternity is so far away, you have lost everything, why are you even trying?" Negative, painful things enter in. I can tell you what the problem is, it is my relationship or closeness with God.

We are never in the same place on our spiritual journey. By that I mean, we are never staying the same. We are either moving forward or backward. There is no in between. If you aren't staying in the Word of God and spending time in prayer, you will be moving backward. If you spend time in prayer and the Word, you will move forward. It is about the relationship here. As my days get busier and have been busy all week, I am not getting that time I need and it reflects in everything I do and think.

Thank God for the couple people I have in my inner circle that help me refocus. I know better than to be caught up in everything I see. We are called to live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith, not by sight.

Romans 1:17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

There are so many versus dealing with how we should live by faith in the Word of God. Why do I find it so difficult to follow these principles set forth? I can look up examples written by Paul on how he and everyone struggles to do what we know we should do. We are in a constant battle. I know when I have not had my personal time in prayer and with God, I am useless. Everything is processed differently, I don't feel God's presence or guidance like I should. My decisions become impaired and my thoughts are fleshly (doubt, worry, fear and the rest of the gamut). I am then attacked viciously and wind up being a mess. We must stay grounded in the Word of God and in prayer daily and continuously.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I know I am not the only one struggling with issues. I am not the only one dealing with a hopeless situation. We have to remember that this is temporary and that we live by faith. God has a plan in all of this. He wants the best for His children. He will see us through this. Don't get lost in what you see, have faith that God will meet your needs and will see you through. Then you will have peace, contentment and God will bless you. Remember what Jesus said to Peter when Peter wanted to be with Jesus on the water in the midst of the storm and raging water?

Matthew 14:29-31 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

I want to leave you with a couple of scriptures that inspired me this morning. Please, be sure you are leaning on God. These words I write are as much for me as they are for you. God will see us through if we only ask and believe.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-24 16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22Avoid every kind of evil. 23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

Philippians 4:6-9 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I pray that you are blessed today and that the power of God is poured out upon you. Trust in Him and He will not let you down.

PE-9: Happy 1st Sunday of June

I went to church in the city again today and I really enjoyed it. I am going to have to look for a church closer to me though so I am going to try a church that is on TBN and comes highly recommended by a friend of mine. He said I should be able to get plugged in and connected to people there despite the size, so I am excited about it.

My friend and I discussed a lot of things today and as always; I left feeling blessed and edified. He brought a new perspective to some challenges I face and it was good to hear. I thank God that I have a few friends to lean on in my time of need. I do long for someone that I could spend more time with but as He mentioned to me, God is with me. When we give something to God, we need to let go of it. We can't keep reaching for the steering wheel from the back seat or passenger seat and fighting for control. I really believe this was where I stumbled yesterday. I have given it all to God so I have to trust Him with it all.

I think I am going to start writing more; something completely separate from my blog and social/twitter sites. I am going to test the waters so-to-speak and try and determine where God wants me to go with some things. I have a longing and desire to write, but feel very limited on blogs alone. Plus, when I was in jail, I envisioned myself where I am now (location) but I was writing and I also had a Bible study group. Part of this has come true, but I want to know if I am meant to be doing more with my writing. So, I am going to step out on faith and see where it takes me. I will keep posting to the blog, but I am going to possibly work on a book or something. As my friend stated today, God will let me know but I need to take that step if I feel it is something God may be putting on my heart. So, I will start tomorrow. I am really excited about it. Even if I just do a journal or something to start with, it will be a blessing because I love to express my thoughts and feelings through words on paper and writing.

PE-8: Really Missed my Family Today

I know, I am usually positive and uplifting and I want to retain that for the most part on my blog. I just felt I should relate that today was pretty difficult for me. I don't know if it was because I didn't get the chance to spend some one-on-one with God today but I know I was attacked hard. It was enough for me to cry out "What's the point God? What's the point?" My heart hurt this morning and I just had a longing for my wife and family that I didn't channel through God properly and it tore me to the core. To feel so helpless and worthless at the same time is not a fun place to be. I started focusing it on God after I let it all get to me this morning but it is hard to dig out of that spot once you let yourself drift there.

I don't know how often I have asked for prayer, but please, keep me and my family in your prayers. God gave me a great afternoon for the most part but I still didn't feel right all day. I do feel blessed and that God is looking after my needs and the needs of my family but occasionally, my flesh and my worries, doubts, fears get the best of me. I even broke down and had a couple cigarettes today. Not that it makes me a bad person smoking a cigarette, I just think God wants us to take care of our bodies and smoking is not one of those things promoting a healthy lifestyle.

Prayer:

Dear Jesus, I have struggled so much today in my mind. Constantly bombarded with doubts, negatives, fears of what is to come or might come; I let it overwhelm me today and I am so sorry. I know it makes me nearly completely ineffective to You because I completely lose focus. I compare it to Peter walking out on the water and taking his eyes of You and starts to sink. Oh how true that is in our lives. Please Jesus, forgive me for my failures and faults and lift me up off the bottom of the floor. Help me be a good example, help me to stay focused on you and not all the things going on around me to distract me from my purpose, path, goal you have set out for me. I love you my Father; thank you for loving me, forgiving me and giving me hope and a future regardless of how bleak it may look. I know you will use this situation to Your glory. Bless my wife tonight Lord. Hold her in your arms and just love her. Give her peace, comfort and joy in You Jesus. She is my world; which makes this so very difficult for me to cope at times. But I hold fast to You Lord and that You have a good and perfect plan despite what I can or can't see. May I never lose hope; Let my wife and kids know that I love them tonight Jesus, let them know in my heart/mind, I am holding them tight and cherishing it forever. In Jesus precious name I pray this tonight ~ Amen.

PE-7: Honestly, Are You for Real?

If you know me or have been following my blog, you know that I am struggling with multiple issues and things in my life. One thing that is on my heart this morning is that I let you know more about me. This will tie into something that I want to bring up and challenge you about your life and walk in Christ.

I am human, as are all of you, and I make mistakes and have doubts, hurts and fears just as much as the next person. Every other day, if not daily, I find myself on my knees sobbing for my wife and family. But is this due to doubt in God or God's provision and hand in my life or my families? I don't think so. I believe it all depends on how it is handled and approached. When I start thinking about them I start praying for them. When I start becoming emotional, I pray harder. God knows my heart and how very much I love them, I am being honest with God about my emotions and my attachments in this life. I know He sees it all and knows my heart. Not a day goes by that I do not think about what led me to where I am today, but I know who to lean on and that He has a plan and purpose to see me/us through it.

You see, I am simply a humble servant. I am no different then anyone else on any level, I just channel it through the one that set me free, Jesus. I have the same worries, doubts, fears and heartaches as anyone else. I feel pain as anyone else. I have experienced so much heartache that I could just implode right now, but I have a savior that has a purpose for my life. He died to set me free from these doubts, these worries, these fears. He has called me to a higher purpose and one with meaning and hope. What makes me different than any other person? Why would you look at me and say to yourself "Wow, I wish I could do that?" I have reason, if not more than you, to blame God or others for where I am today, but I know the truth.

I have the privilege as do you, to make a choice when presented with one. I can filter it through God or I can act on it and have a 50/50 chance (maybe even less) of making the right one. My choices led me to where I am today. Be them good or bad. I can choose from this day forward to lean on God for the answers and the support or I can try and do it on my own. You are and will be the person you CHOOSE to be. Are you struggling with an addiction today? You have the choice, no matter how impossible it seems to overcome, no matter how strong the pull; YOU have the CHOICE. Are you being real about who you are? Are you living a lie?

Let me tell you that there is hope my friends, there is hope. There is a God, there is a savior, there is someone that will set you free from your hurts, pains, bondage if you only ask and act on it. Are you willing to give it all to Jesus? Are you willing to turn everything over to Him? He will bless you and help you make the right choices if you only ask Him. I pray you make good choices and that God blesses you today and everyday for the rest of your life. Enjoy this video of Third Day singing Born Again. Lean on God to handle the pain and trials of this life and He will see you through to the other side.

You are loved

This song is so good. It is written as a love song from Jesus to us but it always makes me think of my wife. I don't think I can ever express how much she means to me. Everything reminds me of her still. As I clean out the fridge or do things around the house and no one notices, I think about how my wife must have felt doing so many good things for me and our family that I would sometimes notice but fail to verbally recognize. I think of how wonderful a person she is and was. When I think of her, I pray for her. I don't fall to pieces as I first did, but I love her more now than ever before. I hope one day, she can and will come back to me. God blessed me so much with and by her. I want to dedicate this song to her in love (I love you with all my heart); and anyone else that is hurting or needs to be loved.

Jesus is right there with you, just look to Him. He will fix every hurt and love you unconditionally. **You can never be separated from his love. He is waiting with open arms to welcome you back; you are loved.

**Romans 8:35-39 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

PE-6: Reveal Yourself to Me

I was pondering on multiple subjects to write on today, but I think we should just pause and worship God this morning. He is so good and deserves our praise today. Lift Him up, seek Him, draw close to Him - He wants to bless you right now. He wants to pour His Spirit out upon you today. He wants to give you the desires of your heart today. Oh...just lose yourself in his presence today. He is moving in a strong and mighty way people, seek Him now and be filled. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you...Do it now, He is just waiting on you to step out this morning; go ahead, take that first step......Do it now.

Oh heavenly Father, my spirit yearns for you today. This passion, this fire God, use it to bless You. I can't even begin to express how I feel in my heart, I can't even begin to show my love for You. Oh my God, Your love is so amazing, Your power so overwhelming, Your grace so magnificent. I want to lose myself in You my God! I want to praise you forever! I am on my knees before You my savior, my redeemer. I sense you so strongly this morning; Oh Jesus, my life is yours. Everything I am or ever will be, I give to you; my past, my future, my present I give to you; my hopes, my dreams, my life I give to you. You are the only thing in my life that has meaning and purpose. Your promises endure forever. You are king of kings and Lord of lords. You are alpha and omega the beginning and end. I praise you Yeshua, Jesus my King. Pour Your anointing on me today, may I be Your vessel to glorify Your name today. Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...I love You. Pour Your Spirit out on Your people today God. Reveal Yourself to us Father. I seek a revival of the heart, mind, body and spirit today Lord. Oh have Your way my God, have Your way. I am Your servant my Lord, my heart is Yours.

Peace, love, happiness is yours for the taking right now. He is calling us church; He is calling us Christians; He is calling us all right now. He wants to reveal His power to You today. The power of the one, true, living God. Give yourself to Him today, believe upon Him today, worship Him today....be transformed.

True Love

As you may know, I am reading the Purpose Driven Life and yesterday's topic was on love. I found the timing to be perfect because that is something I had already be focusing on with some friends of mine. I really liked how Pastor Warren described love and how it is shown. I wanted to share with you some of these truths and hopefully, these words can bless you today.

Galatians 5:14 - The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

Did you know that life is all about love? I want to quote a paragraph from Rick Warren's book for a moment. The reason is that I know more than one person that does not understand and is going through this in their life. A misunderstanding of love.

The Purpose Driven Life (pg 127) The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Men, in particular, often don't understand this. Many have said to me, "I don't understand my wife and kids. I provide everything they need. What more could they want?" They want you! Your eyes, your ears, your time, your attention, your presence, your focus -- your time. Nothing can take the place of that.
The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, "I value you enough to give you my most precious asset -- my time." Whenever you give your time, you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love.....You can give without loving, but you can not love without giving.

There are so many good, deep points mentioned just in those two paragraphs. The entire chapter was full of good nuggets of information like that. I could go over much more but don't have the time and can't do it as well as Rick Warren did in chapter 16 of The Purpose Driven Life; I recommend this book by the way. A summary would be that Love is the most important gift we can give. Love is forever and without it, life is worthless. 1 Cor 13:3 "No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." The gift of love is a gift of our time and devotion. Time is something we never get back. Every minute that goes by brings you one minute closer to your last breath. We need to make the best of every moment.

Relationships are what life is all about and we need to be sure we make the best of them. It is not going to be your Xbox or other things you held dear in your life that you ask for on your deathbed, you will ask for those you love. Love is the greatest gift and the greatest commandment given to us by God. You need to read God's Word and seek a true and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ if you are to fully understand and comprehend love. It is not till you see as He sees that you can fully grasp the depth and scale of what is required. Oh to see and love as Jesus did. Imagine if everyone in the church loved unconditionally as Jesus did?!

Dear heavenly father, I come to you this morning with love on the mind. I know you sent your son to pay the ultimate sacrifice and lay down his life out of love for each of us. Help me to see through your eyes father. Help me to see the world and it's occupants in love. Teach me to love as you loved. Help me to grasp and understand the meaning of love and the truth of it all. God that I could be lost in your love to such an extent that it overflows into the lives of those around me. Take my selfishness and my ways God and transform my heart. I want a pure heart, full of love and compassion. Bless me today father, make me a vessel, use me I pray. Allow me to love unconditionally today and every day. May I be a light in the darkness reflecting truth and love. In Jesus name, Amen.

Did you know?

That question is so open ended that you could take it anywhere. But I have a specific purpose for asking it this morning. I had a long discussion last night with a friend of mine and we discussed some of the current failures of the church as evident in the lives of people that call themselves Christians. Oh God, bless me and speak through me today, this is so important.


An online dictionary I used shows Christian defined as the following:

1. Professing belief in Jesus as Christ or following the religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Relating to or derived from Jesus or His teachings.
3. Manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus; Christlike.
4. Relating to or characteristic of Christianity or its adherents.
5. Showing a loving concern for others; humane.

Did you know that being a Christian is to be Christlike? How many of us know Christians that fail to do this? Yes, we are imperfect beings, we are human. But wouldn't our life, actions and words reflect that of Christ if we were indeed walking in Him and with Him? Oh, I want to challenge you today...

God has placed in me a huge burden for the church and those that claim to be Christians. Why are Christians looked at as hypocrites? Why is the church so powerless today? I'll tell you why, people are not seeking God like they should. We live in a society that looks out for it's own interests. "What can God do for me today?" We go to church but a lot of us it is for the wrong reasons! Can I be real with you today? Wake Up!!!!

We are so blessed! God has given us, His children, Power and Authority! He has given us the power through the Holy Spirit to perform miracles! Why are so many sermons scripted? Why are so many Christians in a routine that will never bring them real, true intimacy in Christ? Is your cup half empty or half full? Jesus wants all of us! Not the part we bring him on Sunday, not the part we share with other Christians so we look like such good people with no problems at all.

God works through tribulation, He works in problems. It is when I am weak that I am made strong! So why is the church and its people so fake? Not all churches are like that, but there is enough of them that I believe people are missing the point here. The power of the living, Holy Spirit of God wants to infiltrate and penetrate your very being. He wants to intimately know and be a part of every aspect of your life. If we as Christians could understand this, if we could learn to let go and let God, we would see the church arise a new.

We are trying too hard people, we are trying to do what God wants rather than allowing God to do what He wants. We are the ones limiting God and what He wants to do in our lives and those around us. I truly believe that God wants to reveal Himself to you. He wants to show you He is the man, your father, your daddy and that he has your back, but will you let Him?

Did you know, we can do all things through Christ? Did you know, there is NO LIMIT to God's power, mercy and grace? Did you know, that God wants to use you today if you will let him? Did you know, that God loves you more than anything and wants to prove himself to you, if you only ask and believe? Praise God! With faith like a child...Do you know what that means? A child believes what they are told, they don't question it. Mommy, daddy said it is true, I believe them. What faith, what power can be yours if you only believe it. Lift your hands to heaven this morning and commit your life to God. Not just Sundays, not just Wednesdays, not just when it feels good or feels right, but all of it.

I want to challenge you today to spend 15 to 30 minutes every morning in prayer with God. He says His sheep hear his voice (yes, He does speak to us). How can you operate in the miraculous power of the living God and Holy Spirit if you do not hear His voice? Seek and you shall find. Ask Him to give you the desire to seek Him. To give you a pure heart and one that yearns for Him. He planted in us the desire for the unknown, we just look in all the wrong places. Seek Him as for hidden treasure, you will find Him. Once you understand, once you taste what God has in store for you; you will never look back. God is good people, He loves you today, He wants you to look to him instead of the world for your answers. Do it today, please, do it today. It is time we as Christians stand up and lay claim to our God given inheritance.

PE-5: Update (Where have I been?)

This personal entry is just to catch everyone up on the past 10+ days I have not posted. I'll start with the weekend prior to this last (5/16, 5/17).

I had my step-brother and his wife over that weekend. We had a really good time and I think God was really working in their hearts. They are going through some rough patches and God was using me to work in their relationship. Considering I have some fresh insight, I was able to work with both of them together and individually.

On Sat, we went to Table Rock Dam and on some of my old stomping grounds (my wife and I used to go here back in the day). We also went to C of O. That place has really changed but at the same time it has remained the same. My heart was being moved heavily by all the memories that flooded me and my emotions. From the spot I was playing football as my would-be-wife looked on; to the chapel steps where she flirted with me. I walked out to the point, nothing but memories. I walked behind the library towards the old art building and to the point I sat on when I prayed for my wife (before I knew her). I stood there for a while. I cried, I prayed, I reminisced. To say I love her would be a tremendous understatement.

My step brother, his wife and I watched Fireproof and spent a lot of time together that weekend and after they left on Sunday evening, I felt kind of lonely. Monday,I had to be in town and I saw an Angel for the second time since March 19th. Oh yeah, you know what and who I am talking about. It was so hard to not acknowledge her. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. She means so much to me yet she can show me no emotion at all and I have to take it. Oh, it hurts God, it hurts. I spent the rest of the week faltering.

Though that weekend was a blessing, I missed my personal time with God. Then Monday, I did not get it either. By Monday night, Tuesday, I was in pieces. I spent this past week digging myself out this emotional pit I dug myself into. I did not want to write to this blog without my heart being right. I made a couple of posts to my wife and children, but I could not do more than that. My vision was being skewed by my emotions and I can not properly minister or share with others with that being the case. I did what I felt was the smartest and wisest thing and that was to get myself and my emotions straightened out. I still do not feel 100% but I am doing much better than I was.

With that being said, I would like to say you can expect more entries again and hopefully I can be an encouragement and blessing to you in some way, shape or form. I do want to be up front and honest that I want my wife and children to one day read this blog and it to bless them as well. I will add my personal beliefs and I will be including them a lot. Hopefully, this can add a personal touch though that can help you relate to what I am discussing and my feelings.

I AM PASSIONATE about God. When I write to you, when I write to this blog, it is from my heart. It is not just scripted works, it is not to get followers, it is not to get respect, it is not for anything other than the written praise and worship from my heart to God. This may include my family as well, but you can accept that or you can go to another blog. What you will see here is real and from the heart. If you seek reality, if you seek passion, if you seek truth, you have found a good blog for that. You will get nothing but. God bless you today. I will try and post something else soon. To my wife, friends, family - I love you guys with all my heart. I dedicate this blog to you and to God. May He be glorified and you be blessed. I praise You Jesus! Thank you for this opportunity, this privilege to share my heart, voice and spirit! I love you ~ Amen

To my children with love

I have not really discussed my children much, but I love and miss them dearly. One day I will be reunited with them, but I am missing and will miss so much. The pain of this, I can only bare through Christ. I love you my wonderful children. I pray for you everyday. As mom and grandparents continue to spoil you, I pray that God has His way in Your hearts and lives. Even if I must wait many years to see you again, know that I am here for you. I have not left you and I will not leave you. My heart cries out for you, but I have hope and faith that God will restore what has been ripped apart.

To my daughter - I love you angel, you are perfect in every way shape and form. You are just how God made you and He will bless you and your life. I am sorry for all you must go through but know it will not last. Whatever happens, know that daddy loves you so so so much. I will never let go of you. Seek God in everything you do. Make a promise to me to go to church and obtain an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Promise me you will remain pure. Promise me you will not let the system brainwash you. God is Love. He is Peace. His mercy and grace is there for you. Lean on Him please. Let Him be your Father in every way. He wants to be your Father/Daddy regardless. Please, promise me you will seek God with all your heart. Find a good youth group and church that loves God and teaches about the relationship and spirit of God. There is a day coming, very soon, that the young people of this world are going to take a stand in the power of the Holy Spirit and nothing, I repeat, nothing is going to get in the way of this. Seek Him my dear, seek Him with all that is in you. He will mend the hurt, take away the pain and give you peace and hope. I will always be with you, if nothing else, know that we are connected by blood and the Holy Spirit. I love you.

Although I may not get the opportunity to be there for you, know that in my heart, I am. You are perfect in my eyes, never let anyone tell you otherwise. You are a smart, wonderful, beautiful person; Remember that! If I can't be there in person for you or with you, this song is a representation of my heart and love for you. You are so special. There is only one you in this entire world. Draw near to God, if you have questions, ask; Make it a goal to go to church and to pray and to read your Bible even when you don't want to. God will bless you and your life. I love you.


To my Son - Son, I love you so very much. I feel bad for your sister that I favored you a lot of the time, but you were always so special to me. You are my boy and a precious gift from God. Both of you are so special. You are so young and impressionable still. I was looking forward to working with you this Spring and Summer on our list of projects around the house. I know you were so excited about getting to work on these with daddy. I am so sorry. You are such a sweet, well mannered boy. I pray by God's mercy I can watch you become a man. I want you to be the man of the house OK? Look after your mom and sister for me. You need to keep going to church and loving Jesus with all of your heart, mind, body and soul. He will lift you up and strengthen you where I can not.

One thing I told myself all my life was that I would be there for my wife and children. I would not let them go through what I did growing up, but I don't know if I can keep that promise any longer son. It is not by my will, but I made some bad choices at one point in my life and I am not sure of all the consequences of those choices yet. I do know our lives will never be the same. I know that I have a closeness with God that I want my family to have. Promise me you will draw close to Jesus son. Promise me. I always wanted a son and I am so very proud of you. I wish you could know how proud of you and your sister I really am. I know that God will look after you guys and see you through whatever lies ahead, but I can't tell you how easy or difficult it may be. Just trust in Him. I love you son. If for some reason I can't see you till you are a young man, know that I am with you in spirit. I will never forget or let go of any of you. If there is one thing you do for me, please, Seek Jesus with all your heart. Learn to lean on Him, trust Him and serve Him. He will take care of you. He will bless you son. I already miss the conversations we will miss, I already miss the council I could provide as you grow up. I don't want you to have to learn everything the hard way as I did son. I wanted so much to be there for you and be your anchor, I am so sorry. I love you so very much. I will do what I can to remain a part of your lives. If all else fails, we will see each other again on the other side. I love you so so so much. I thank God for all of you daily.


Prayer:
Oh dear heavenly Father, I come to you right now with a heavy heart. I have been so blessed by my children. I am so proud of them. It is difficult for me to be forced to let go of them. You know that I can not do that. I know I have made mistakes as a husband and father Lord; I know I am not a perfect person, but no one is. I have failed in so many ways yet outside of those failures, I was always a good husband and father. I would then and still today lay down my life for my family. Any of them. It hurts to think I may not get the chance to see them grow up. The chance to participate in any of their lives. This alone is far more difficult for me than any prison or jail time I could ever receive. Please Lord, bless my little ones. Hold them in Your arms. Be a Father to them where I can not. I know I had to learn to lean on You growing up but I did a lot on my own and learned a lot of lessons the hard way. My plan was to raise my children after Your heart Lord. I think we were making headway there but other problems arose. I just want to pray for them right now God, let them know that I love them. Let them know you are there for them. Let them know that I will never, by choice, leave them. Help them not to have bitterness, fault or blame. Help them their mother to stay focused on You. Bless her financially and spiritually. She needs to be twice as strong right now God. I love her and my children so very much. Please God, give them strength. Soften my children's heart for You Lord. Place a calling on their lives in ministry to you. Help them to focus on what is really important in life, You and the kingdom to come. Oh God, protect my family. I will pray for them every day for the rest of my life. They will always be with me no matter what. I love you children, I love you my wife.

I Love You - Wife

I would like to dedicate this to my wife right now. If it was up to me, I would have the 1 person I love most on this earth by my side. But circumstances outside of my control prevent this. I look ahead and would hope that one day, there is renewal. I made a covenant with my wife, not a contract. She is doing what she feels is necessary at this time, I can understand that. I just pray that God works in her heart or provides a means for us in some way, shape or form. I did not and do not take my relationship or marriage lightly. But understand she wants some form of normality which I may never be able to again provide her once all is said and done. Could you imagine making a mistake that even the most cherished person in your life would turn their back on you? Ouch... God has given me peace, yes. But only my wife can ever hold that spot(reserved for my spouse) in my heart. That is it. I do not know if that holds true for my wife and how she views me; we are not allowed to communicate. All I can do is pray for her as she divorces me. All I can do is ask God to renew, heal and mend what the system feels compelled to shatter.

No matter what happens my love, you are it for me. I can not, and this is by choice, allow anyone else in that spot. I don't want to replace my memories of you and my family with someone else. I don't care how much time goes by. I will wait 15 years if it means I can grow old with you. You are my first true love. You are my first in other areas as well (You know what I mean). You are the wife of my youth as Solomon puts it. I pledge my heart to no other woman. I pledge my life to no other woman. My fear is that you move on. I want you to be happy, but it is still hard to think about that. Just know, as soon as I can contact you, I will be. As soon as I can express my love to you, I will. I have hope that things can be mended; but I know there are a lot of factors at play including the company you will keep. I hope our marriage meant something to you as well and you are willing to try and make it work somehow despite all odds (even through divorce). I pray for that. I love you sweet heart, I love you so much. To me, what we had was special. I failed to express my love on so many levels but I loved you with all my heart. It wasn't till I drew close to God that so many things were revealed to me. I am a new man in every way. Free of addiction, free of bondage and my eyes have been opened. I don't know that I could ever give you that lake house with a dock but I vow to you, you would never, ever question my love for you again. I would make you the happiest woman in the world, that is a promise. Welcome to the new normal, I love you.

My apology as well:


Love is not a Fight:


To Make Her Love Me: